Yesterday I almost went insane.
It started like any normal Saturday. I got it in my head that I wanted to make 80 homemade perogies for the YAGs poker night and for “Interns Thanksgiving: the American sequel”. I even remarkably found cheddar cheese (it’s white…. Not orange here and you have to ask for it over the counter like it’s an overdoseable drug).
Overdose I didn’t but the trickier part was finding bacon. Somewhere along the long line of perogy makers in my family, the addition of tossing bacon pieces on top of the cooked perogies became a vital step. So I’m searching around Manor (giant grocery store below a giant department store) and I finally find something that in my mind resembles bacon.
By 2:00pm the perogy factory that was my kitchen was fully committed. I am (brace yourself for a cliché) covered in flour and I can hear my mom’s voice in my head “Stop eating the filling!”
I am rounding the corner of completion and slicing up my bacon substitute and I was a little confused at why it was so hard to slice. I look at the package and realize, “I never even checked if this was ham.”
Suddenly my mind explodes and like a blurry montage/dream sequence from a movie I see the word “Chevallier” on the package. “Chevallier??? Doesn’t that mean horse?! Or is it cheveux? Or is that hair?” I just remember in grade 7 Madame Bowman laughed at me when I said that ‘my horse is long and blonde’ but I never figured out which one I used wrongly. I scream aloud. This was a little more expensive then usual and you can totally buy horse meat everywhere here! I scan the package for something ham-like and all I see is a pasture and a slice of meat. Panicking I see the term “Jambon de Bayonne” and I KNOW that Jambon is ham because I order jambon sandwiches all the time! But! A terrifying thought crosses my mind, what if Jambon de Bayonne is like a “Chicken of the sea” tuna scenario and it stands for “Ham of the pasture!” or “Ham of the racetracks!”
I CAN’T FEED MY FRIENDS HORSE MEAT! What’s more, I CAN’T HAVE JUST STUCK A PILE OF HORSE MEAT IN MY MOUTH BEFORE THIS EPISODE BEGAN!
As frightening images of Toby McGuire in Seabiscuit fly through my head I blast to my laptop and start typing in every word on the package: Grand Affineur, A sauveterre de bearn, Chevallier NOTHING!……. Finally, in size 5 font at the bottom I see “Ingredients: Jambon de porc, sel des Saline”. Porc. Porc. PORK. PIG! NOT HORSE! VICTORY!
I have since learned that Bayonne is the region that the meat comes from. You can learn more about the product that caused me seven minutes of agonizing pain and heart-racing terror here: http://www.jambon-de-bayonne.com/boutique/en/pages/histoire.htm
Oh, and I'm signing up for french lessons this week.
